Letter to London

I'm trying to clean out files on my computer and found a letter I composed to London (yes, to London) on May 20, 2010, ie before I had this blog. Can you tell I was going crazy with the stress of a lack of money/job? Enjoy.

Dear London,

Wtf? I don’t get it. I thought we had an understanding when I moved here for you that this had long term potential. I’ve given the last 20 months of my life to you and am not ready to turn my back on that. Are you willing to watch me walk away? For the first time in a long time I can see myself staying with you and being content. I think I could build a life with you and eventually look back on my youth in America with the type of affection that only comes with distance. I would say things like, “Well, yes, I was raised in the US, but England will always be home.” I would still go back to visit, but I would always come back- back home - to you.

We could be so good together!  How can you not see that? And I’m willing to make sacrifices for you. I’ve put so much effort into learning about your culture. My knowledge of your slang is fairly impressive for an American, I’m beginning to be able to pick out regional accents – heck, I even understood most of “Billy Elliot” when I saw it (for the second time) at the Victoria Palace Theatre the other night. I learned about your system of government in order to follow the recent election. I watched all of the debates and was so envious of people who were allowed to vote. If you’d just let me stay a bit longer, that could be me someday! I continue to be impressed by your public transport system, while native Londoners slag you off (<-- see that use of slang?). I stand by you, despite the fact that you are unreliable, hot, and often broken. But I make up excuses for you: you’re old (oldest in the world, in fact!), not built for this many people. Because I believe in you and I rely on you to get me to work every day.

Which brings me to my next point. I ask very little from you. I love you despite the fact that no one can just pick a side of the sidewalk and stick with it, that no one gives up their seat on the tube to the elderly, disabled, or pregnant, or that you have no original national holidays. All I ask from you is to give me a chance at a real job. Not my dream job, not even a good job, but one that is hopefully somewhat, even if vaguely, related to my intended career path. I don’t even need to make a lot of money, but I do have some financial minimums to meet: I want to be able to buy clothes when I want (not lots or expensive ones, but I shouldn’t have to save over the course of 4 paychecks to buy new socks and underwear) and I want to be able to travel. Yes, travel. I know that’s not a necessity, but it’s my one luxury. I don’t think that’s asking too much, do you?

If you don’t think you can do that for me, I would prefer you just come out and tell me rather than string me along like this. Every time I’m ready to be rid of you, you tell me it’s going to be different from now on and get my hopes up with a potential job opportunity. And as soon as my hopes are highest you dash them. Again and again and again. I hope you recognize your behaviour for what it is: abusive. Someday you’ll wake up and I’ll be gone. And you’ll find the bill for my Tier 1 post-study work visa on the kitchen table.

So think long and hard, London. Because sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

-Me

Peace Corps Post - February 16, 2004

February 16, 2004 - Tuesday
10:00pm - Gberiere

Wow, I really have so little time to write in this and I'm afraid I'm going to regret not having written much when I look back on this. Even right now I am forcing myself to do this because I am so tired and would much rather be sleeping.

I am really burnt out by this schedule. I thought about it, and this is like doing a semester of school but with less homework, more class, and less partying. Ugh, it sucks. Even though I'm scared shitless for site visit, I am so looking forward to no class for over a week and for getting away from my family for a little bit, although I'm sure the attention I get at site will be worse than the attention I get from my family.

I'm really excited about my site! I'm afraid I'm going to be disappointed when I get there because right now I am so excited. I allegedly have electricity six months a year! That would be awesome, although I wonder for what six months! I definitely have a picture in my head of what it will be like and I'm sure I'm way off, so it will be good to get a reality check before being there permanently for two years. I'm really scared about staying by myself, though, especially if there are any animals around in my place! I'm very happy with my neighbor situation, though. I couldn't have asked for anything better.

Meanwhile, back on the homestead, my host father has malaria and he has it bad. I'm actually really worried about him. Ismael took me in to see him tonight (first time I've been in the house) and he was just laying there on the bed not responding to anything. Last night he was talking like a crazy person and it was kind of scary. I don't know what to do, if anything. They all say he hasn't been to the hospital because there isn't enough money, but I feel like there are groups in the village who help out families in situations like this. Just from what they get paid to have me alone I would think would be enough to go to the hospital. What do I know, though. All I know is that it's very scary. Everyone says it's not grave [serious], but I think that's the whole "saving face" thing. It looks pretty grave to me.

Well, on that happy note, I think I'm going to try and not freak out about the mice and sleep instead. 

Peace Corps Post - February 13, 2004

Oh man, I find this entry simultaneously embarrassing and hilarious. I also found a sticky note on this entry that was just labelled "barf." Apparently that was how I categorized it in some previous read through. Let the record show: before joining the Peace Corps, my three biggest fears in life, in order, were 1) barfing, 2) needles, and 3) death.

February 13, 2004 – Friday

9:37pm

Gberiere

Well it has certainly been an eventful past 48 hours! Sheesh, where to begin? Well on Wedneday night, around 8:30, I had a major bowel movement for the first time in two days. I thought that was probably the end of it and went to bed around 10:30 or 11. I woke up around 12:30 and had to go again and felt fairly nauseous. I fell back asleep, but woke up again around 5:30am to go to the bathroom. I was feeling so nauseous that I sat outside [my hut] for a while trying to force down some rehydration salts and hoping I wasn’t going to puke. In an odd sort of way it was really nice to be up to watch this culture get moving. The sun slowly came up, I listened to the mosque, I watched my dad pray, and I heard all of the animals come to life. I started to feel better so I went back to my bed to try and sleep. Right around 6:30 or 7 I woke up suddenly feeling extremely nauseous and went outside and booted. It was so crazy how fast it happened, but even more crazy how much better I felt afterwards. Like a million bucks. It wasn’t nearly as terrible as I was fearing, but I also only did it once, so we’ll see how I feel when it happens multiple times over a short period of time.

My host parents of course flipped out in their Guinean way of doing so and asked me what I had eaten at lunch the day before, because it couldn’t have been anything they served me. My father promptly determined it was the spaghetti and even after I told him I eat spaghetti all the time at home, the whole town continues to tell me it was the spaghetti. They don’t really understand that it could have been anything.

So then I tried to tell them I didn’t want to eat anything and that I was going to try and sleep. Oooooh no. That was not happening. This culture deals with sick people quite differently than ours. Every 10 minutes someone was knocking on my door for some really important reason like to sweep my room, to tell me they’d be back, to give me food, or to ask me what was wrong. If someone wasn’t directly knocking on my door then there were seven kids outside of my hut and at least three of them were crying at the top of their lungs for extended periods of time. I was about to shoot someone.

So after getting no sleep and now moving on to severe stomach cramps stage, I went to meet the [Peace Corps] bus at 10 to go to Dubreka to hopefully get some peace and quiet. I slept for a little on a couch over there, but still felt shitty. I talked to the nurse and basically scammed my way into going back to Conakry with her to spend the night there. I did a stool sample for the first time, so that’s pretty crazy that that is something I barely flinched at. Crazy what you can adjust to over short periods of time.

When we got to Conakry the nurse, Anne, took my vitals and took some blood. All of the tests ended up coming back negative, so that was good. I then went to the Peace Corps house and met some of the current PCVs while I made my cup of noodles. Ironically enough, Jake [a friend of a friend of a friend I heard about before I left] was there, also sick, so that was kind of cool to be able to hang out some with him. There was another huge coincidence while I was there in that a PCV, Megan, put together that I was Julia M and told me that her father and brother were flying in to visit tonight and that her dad grew up with Margaret Murphy and that they were bringing over a package for me. So weird/small worldish, but pretty cool.

I then went to do some emailing. It was so great to have unlimited time! I also sent out an email with the phone number of the house on it and immediately my parents started to try and call. I ran back to the house so I was there when they finally got through. It was SOsosososo great to talk to them for an uninterrupted, extended period of time. We talked for 45 minutes and I felt like we had barely begun. I’m really glad my first phone call to them wasn’t from Dubreka where we would only be able to talk for a little while. That would have been painful, I think. It was so great to hear their voices, though, and we of course wasted phone time over dumb things like Janet Jackson in the Superbowl, but it was great. I think I was happiest to hear that it sounds like they are doing ok with me being gone. I don’t think my mom sits around a nervous wreck and they weren’t even flipped out about me being sick, so it makes me feel better to not have to worry about them worrying.

John [brother] then called later that night which was also great, but then the electricity went out so we got cut off, which sucked. Better than nothing, though. Then I was lying in bed around 11 and heard the phone ring. I debated getting it and then jumped out of bed and ran. Glad I did, because it turned out to be Biggie [friend from high school]. Of all the people to actually call me, it doesn’t surprise me that it was him, he’s always good about that kind of stuff. We only got to talk briefly, but I take what I can get around here!

Sleeping in a bed without mosquito netting was surprisingly strange. I felt very exposed. Also having a street light shining in my window all night was very bizarre. I remember thinking how dark Africa was at night at first and didn’t realize how quickly I had gotten used to it. It was great to sleep without worrying about crazy bugs in my room or people walking around and to have AC!! The bathroom two steps away was also genius.

I “slept in” until about 8:40am, the latest I’ve slept since being a PCV, and woke up to take a warm shower. It was heavenly. Then, as I was sitting around debating what to do, the phone rang and I picked up. It was Jason (another friend in the Peace Corps) calling from Tonga! We had about a four second delay and a twelve hour time difference, but it was great because he is definitely the last person I thought I would talk to on the phone over the next two years. It sounds like things are going well for him still, in the “Beach Corps,” so that was good to hear.

I went to the computer lab again and had so many emails back from people, it was great! I read them all and responded to a lot of them, so that was a weight off my shoulders. All of the emails were great and everyone seems very interested to know what I am up to! My mom basically said that all of [my hometown] ends up getting my emails, which I believe.

So I was definitely not looking forward to getting back here. Imagine my surprise when I found myself somewhat glad to be back. Coming back to this group and seeing how concerned people were about me and were really worried I wouldn’t be at the party tomorrow made me realize how close I have already become with these people and how glad I was to be back around them!

I was then dreading coming back to my host family, so imagine my even greater surprise when I was somewhat happy to see them too. They seem to have laid off somewhat, so maybe someone said something to them, but regardless, they just seemed really happy to have me back and genuinely missed me while I was gone. My father said that even my little bratty namesake kept asking when I was coming back and looking up the road for me yesterday. Kind of cute, actually.

So yeah, a lot has gone on and I feel a little overwhelmed with this rollercoaster of emotions, but at this point I still don’t want to go home, so that’s good!

Tomorrow we find out our site assignments, which really hasn’t hit home yet, I don’t think. I’m really nervous, but I don’t know why since I don’t think it will mean much to me anyway. I’m more nervous to see who I’ll be near, but I might not know them either, so who knows! It’s definitely going to be a crazy day, though, seeing as we’re having our big Valentine’s Day fete tomorrow night. 

Peace Corps Post - February 8, 2004

February 8, 2004 - Sunday
11:35am
Gbereire

I am about to lose it with my host family. As I said to Laura and Ingrid, I just can't deal with Guinea today. The fishbowl and lack of privacy is really getting to me. It started a long time ago. People are just rude and sit around and stare at everything I do, including such fascinating activities as washing my hands, writing letters, or talking to another American. I can't believe the novelty hasn't worn off yet and at this point I feel like it never will. Then I think about how this village is supposed to be broken into Americans and how it's going to be 10x worse at site.

My father constantly knowing everything that goes on with me is also so ridiculous/annoying. Talk about a lack of privacy. I feel like every day he comes up to me and is like, "I saw you at _______ doing ________" and I never even had the first clue he was around. It's like friggin' big brother over here.

I don't think I've gone to the bathroom once in the almost one month I've been here without someone knowing. During the day at least five people stare at me the whole way to the latrine and the whole way back. Good GOD is it annoying. There will also inevitably be some disgusting-ass annoying little kid calling my annoying Susu name over and over for no reason. I am definitely not keeping "Fatim" when I go to site because it annoys the crap out of me already. I basically want to kick all of the kids in the head 95% of the time. They are always around and always annoying the crap out of me. UGH!

Not being able to be in my room for more than about half an hour uninterrupted is driving me slowly insane as well. I think I'm just going to stop answering them when they knock on the door from now on when I'm resting.

I almost killed my father this morning. This is my one day per week where I can sleep past 7 and at 7:45 my dad was knocking on my door and talking to me through it. It was SO obnoxious with absolutely no point and I was so pissed off especially since I didn't go to bed until 1 last night. I was visibly annoyed and trying to look sleepy and he was like, "Ok, after you go to the bathroom then you can have breakfast!" I wanted to scream at him, I was so annoyed. And now my lack of sleep is making me mad and crabby, so I am going to take a nap.

**Hahaha. Looking back on this entry makes me laugh, even though I know how genuine my anger was. The training villages were a strange little place, especially since the families were getting paid to host us. I really don't know how I survived three months of this, as I already seem at my breaking point less than a month in.**

Peace Corps Post - February 5, 2004

February 5, 2004
10:43pm
Gbereyire

That last entry was going nowhere. I should learn my lesson and not try and write during lunch breaks with other people around and too many distractions.

Today was a pretty good day overall. We have Makan now for a language teacher and he is a lot of fun. He is mad sketchy, but his classes are a lot of fun and I learn a lot of practical stuff, so it's nice to have language class go by fast. Passy was a very good teacher and was good for learning technical things, but it was so much more structured and school-like, so I'm enjoying the change of pace.

Most of our day was spent in Dubreka at the PC office which was fine with me. Escaping the fishbowl that is Gbereyire was fine with me. My father keeps telling me random places that he saw me and what he saw me doing and for how long and I never even know he was around. It is quite creepy/annoying because I constantly have to monitor my actions in case someone is watching me, which they most likely are, and will not fail to comment on! Ugh.

So yeah, just being able to mess around all day and not have to worry about being watched by the town was a nice relief. El Haaj [a Guinean man who worked for Peace Corps and had gone to university in New Hampshire] was also there today, which was quite a trip. He came up to me and said, "You forgot you have an Uncle here!" and I asked him where he had been and he laughed [When we were introduced to him, he asked if anyone was from New England. I was the only one who raised my hand and so he "adopted" me as a niece since he has a soft spot for New England]. A few minutes later he came over and gave me 1,000 Guinean Francs!! He said something like "Uncles give their nieces things" and when I tried to give it back he wouldn't let me and just said "you're in the right family." I was shocked but thought it was so sweet and so cute and it totally made my day. I can't remember the last time 50 cents made my day. :-) Just kidding, it's obviously about a lot more than that. I'm going to try and send some candy to Conakry for him on Valentine's Day. It's about the extent of what I can do for him here!

I got my water filter to work tonight (sort of) and then just sat around having really good talks with Ismael and Albert about the serpants [snakes], so that was surprisingly fun and bonding. Tomorrow is another day!

Peace Corps Post - February 4, 2004

February 4, 2004 - Wednesday
1:24pm - Homestay

Wow, my mail luck has continued. I got another letter from my mom today and one from Alissa with pictures from Thanksgiving in it. Man does Thanksgiving seem like a long time ago! Looking at the heavy sweater makes it feel like another world away. I guess it is. The letter from my mom was really great because she sounds content with my email and in good spirits about this all. I was glad to hear that my email made Barbara Denver feel better as well [her daughter, a childhood friend of mine, was about to head off to Peace Corps Jordan]. It's really hard for me to know I won't be able to talk on the phone with my family for a long time even when I do get the chance. This is by far the longest I've ever gone without talking to my family and I think that's going to be really hard for me. The letters really are like Christmas, but it's really hard to hear about everything going on at home and not miss it.

Janny's grandmother died and she just found out last night. That sort of brought it home for me and made me realize how much it would suck but how possible it is that I might get bad news while I'm here. That would be really hard, especially to make the decision whether or not to go home. At this point, though, I'm feeling good because I think that even if I did go home, I think I would come back.

Training is HARD and I really just can't wait until it's over, but I also know that then there will be a whole new set of problems. Luckily all of the current PCVs say that training is terrible and that if we make it through this, site is a piece of cake. I sure hope so! Because at this point, training is going fine, it's just so tiring and structured that I will be quite happy to be on my own and have some more independence. I'm definitely going to miss seeing everyone everyday though, and the camaraderie. I'm really nervous/excited/anxious to find out our sites at (I think) the end of this week and who I'm going to be near!! That will be very interesting.

So although getting those letters from home today made me miss home a little, I woke up this morning feeling somewhat amazed that some of the things I thought I'd never get used to are already seeming more normal. For instance: I am now able to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night AND with cockroaches in it! That's pretty huge. And I don't turn on the flashlight at every little noise thinking it might be a bug. I still think it might be a bug, but I just don't care as much.

Peace Corps Post - January 31, 2004

January 31, 2004 - Saturday
9:04pm - Homestay

Man, this is some crazy shit. Talk about cultural differences. There are big brawls going on outside because, from what I could gather, this father hit his baby, the mother got mad and I think started yelling at him, and then they got in a physical fight where people had to separate them. They continued to get in fights, though, and then he was chasing her around with a stick trying to hit her. That's when Ismael told me I had to "rentrer" to my room. Everyone was sort of laughing as it happened, but I think that's their way of dealing with it, because as they were laughing they told me to go into my room. Very strange for a culture that is supposed to hate violence so much! I was kind of surprised that the wife was yelling at her husband as much as she was; that seemed quite unusual for this culture to me, but what do I know? It seems to have subsided for now. How weird.

So last night was really fun. Trayle, Ilona and Brian made dinner for all of us health volunteers and bought us red boxed wine. The dinner was pasta salad and was so delicious. We were all chowing down out of three bowls with our hands and having a blast. That's the most I've eaten since we left Philly and it was so nice to feel full for once!

On a side note: I think my brother, Ismael, is a really good guy. I think my family is in general, but he is so patient with me and watches out for me, etc. I hope he doesn't pull any sketchy can-I-come-to-America-with-you stuff, because right now I really like the friendship we're developing. I also really like his friend (cousin?) Albert. He is equally patient and likes to try and speak English and is very helpful with my homework and stuff. I think they're both very smart, so that probably helps. Like tonight when the shit hit the fan Ismael was like, "We'll play tomorrow. Tonight there was war." Wow, that translates so crappy in English. I've already begun the franglais thing because it's true, some words just say it better in other languages.

So...I have a lot of catching up to do in this here journal. Yesterday for health we went on a field trip. First we went to a hospital where we interviewed the woman who ran the maternity ward and the surgeon. We saw a woman come out from surgery on a stretcher with the tumor they had just removed from her sitting in a plastic bag underneath the stretcher. That's something you don't see everyday in the States. The facility itself was very nice and clean, but I guess this place was unusual.

Then we went to the health center, which is the next step down [in cascading structure of health facilities in Guinea]. It was pretty basic, but not as basic as the health post here in Gbereyire. Oy, that was interesting. Basically a one room place with next to nothing. We will most likely be at a place like that. 'Twill be interesting!

Today was our internet trip into Conakry. Conakry is still way out of my comfort zone and I have a hard time imagining it ever in my comfort zone. It is really overwhelming in many, many ways. I'm glad we're getting exposed to it little by little, because it's a scary place!

Getting to write home, though, was good. I always leave with mixed feelings about it, but I'm glad to know that my family gets to hear from me, because now I'm worried sick that they're worried sick about me! Not having talked to them on the phone in 2.5 weeks is probably some kind of record. Crazy that I'm going to have to get used to this. I haven't been totally craving the phone yet, though, because I know I can't call home yet, I think. I almost don't want to call home until I really feel like I need to, because I know that's going to be a tough phone call. It's nice to think of the fam coming to visit, but also really scary. I honestly don't know how they would feel about this place. The money and time issues aside (which are big ones), I wonder if they were only here for a little while if they would get used to this at all. If they would be able to see past the poverty and the overwhelmingness and come to appreciate what I'm hoping/assuming I will appreciate about this place by then. I don't know, it's sort of daunting, but hopefully I will feel better about it all at site. Putting my family in a bush tax, though...that could be interesting. I can't wait to find out our sites in a few weeks. CRAZY!!

I'm very tired, but I don't want to forget to write about the ex-pat grocery store. It was so money, and everything was so expensive, but it was good to know it was there. Ice cream tasted quite delicious as did the snickers. I can't wait to make Milo at site! Ok, hopefully more tomorrow or Monday after fete de Tabaschi (or something).

**Oh man. It is so hard to know whether to add my comments to this entry now or wait until you see for yourselves how everything unfolds. One thing I have already noticed in how bipolar my entries can be from one to the other. I definitely had that feeling the whole two years, but I'm surprised to see it reflected in my writing so early.**

Peace Corps Post - January 27 (?), 2004

January 27th (?), 2004 - Wednesday
9:08pm - Homestay

So as much as I complain about my host family, I really do like them. I think a lot of me feeling like they don't give me any freedom was my being scared to offend them. Last night my dad was really cool about me going to Liz's and I realize that he's the only one who really seems to care anyway. But I think the novelty of me is wearing off for him, thank god, because he has been less in my face the past few days.

I really don't like taking that malaria medication. Last night, after taking it at lunch, I was all sorts of paranoid. There were bugs in my room and I was severely overreacting. It was weird, because I knew I was overreacting because of the medication, but at the same time, there was nothing I could do to stop how I was feeling. I freaked out and woke up my host family and everything because I thought it was a mouse. Boy did I feel stupid when it was only two little bugs. They were very nice about it, though, and today we all just laughed about it. I had a hard time sleeping as well because I just felt very anxious all night long. So it was hard for me today to tell if I was tired because of the lack of sleep or because of the malaria meds. It sucks, but I guess the symptoms are supposed to get better. I also might start taking it in the mornings so it has more time to process before I sleep. I guess all of these side effects are better than getting malaria, though?

Today I got my first mail. Boy was that unexpected! I got a package and a letter from my mom that had only been sent on the 12th! I still think it's a small miracle that it got here this fast and in one piece. There was sooo much candy, so I am very excited to eat it for Valentine's Day! I can't wait to email my mom on Saturday and tell her I got it all in one peice. I'm also really excited knowing my family is hopefully going to receive my package soon. Relying completely on the kindness of strangers for that one [I had sent a package home to be hand carried by an American heading back to the US].

So I'm feeling better about my French. Although I hate having four hours in a row of French class in the morning, my teacher, Passy, is great and very patient and we learn very useful things. Talking with my host family every night is great practice for what I've learned that day and I already feel more confident in my speaking and I know I am learning things and getting better, I can see it everyday. So that is nice/exciting. I also got the first sense today that I might actually be able to do this. I was talking with Albert and Ismael while doing my homework and basically decided to try and do my TDA [does anyone remember what this stands for?] right then and there. We actually had a comprehensive, informative and productive convesation about health related issues and I could see myself doing this at site with boys of that age who I've gotten to know, and who know me and just teaching them things through casual conversation. It was great feeling this way knowing that I don't even have all of the necessary language skills yet. I'm very excited to do these things once I have all of the language skills as well.

The current Peace Corps Volunteers made us banana bread today and damn was it good! I cannot wait to cook for myself. The health PCVs are going to cook dinner for us on Friday and I cannot WAIT!! I'm so hungry all the time that I've taken to living off cookies. Ugh. Again, can't wait to cook for myself. Well, I'm very tired, so I'm going to try and go to bed with no paranoid thoughts now. More later.

Peace Corps Post - January 26, 2004

January 26, 2004 - Monday
1:15pm
Gbereyire

Not sure if that's how you spell it, but it looks right. I really need to start writing in this more often so I don't have so much to write all the time, but I have so little free time that I never get a chance to. My host family likes to monopolize all of my free time and in the little free time I steal for myself I'm often trying to dash off a letter to try and send ASAP because it takes so long for them to make it home. Ugh. So yeah, this past weekend was interesting. My family basically wanted to spend every free second with me, but I was good in setting some boundaries and taking time for myself. I feel like I never just go and do anything guilt free, though, because they will inevitably comment on it. I guess I just have to get over them commenting on it and let them get used to it. Independent women definitely clash with this culture. We have all noticed many examples of the men challenging us women and our actions. It's very difficult, because we don't want to be rude, but we also don't want to be dominated. We've basically been told not to worry about it and err on the side of being rude because the Susu are very forgiving and we would rather set the tone for the rest of the time here and be happy than try and establish independence later. I keep trying to remember that this is supposed to be a cultural exchange, so they should learn about American women being independent.

7:26pm (cont.)
So I came outside to write and I have six children around me, just watching. It's like nothing I do isn't interesting and worth watching. Intently. I'm hoping the novelty wears off eventually, but I don't know.

9:58pm (cont.)
Good lord. Not a free moment around here to write a complete thought uninterrupted. Well this is the first night I haven't been expected to sit around and "blague" [joke] all night long. I went on a walk with my father and Ingrid's dad, not really knowing what was going on, but ended up at the President's [of the village] house. Nicole lives there, so I actually had a really good time talking to her. We are on very similar pages on a lot of things, so I would like to get to know her better. Today was a long day because we had the same class all morning and then language class all afternoon. I like the classes when we're all together because I miss seeing everyone and I miss our group dynamic when we're not all together.

My 11 year old brother told me told me today that I am his first choice for his chérie. I didn't really know how to take that, so I laughed and promptly shut him down by telling him I was too old for him. I'd be much more worried if it was the 19 year old, but the 11 year old doesn't worry me too much. It's amazing to me how eager the Guineans are to up and marry the first American who comes along. I don't know what that says about them or their culture, but I do think that "having" an American, in any way, is a definite status thing, which is also very strange. What is the US doing, as a culture, to make itself so desirable? I'm sure this will be something I think about a lot over the next two years, just like I did in Australia.

Well I'm mad tired so I'm going to rest up for yet another long day of language tomorrow. At least we get to eat with everyone tomorrow. But we also have to take the mefloquin [malaria prophylaxis] tomorrow, so I will probably feel like crap after I take it and on Wednesday. Hopefully not, but we'll see!

Peace Corps Post - January 19, 2004

January 19, 2004 - Monday
6:31pm
Homestay - 1st Night

Ok, I realized I have no idea how to spell the name of the town I am in right now, so hopefully that will come later. I know I am going to wish I had more documentation of this first week later, but we have just been so busy that I haven't had time. I've hardly gotten any sleep since we got here anyway and that's without writing in my journal every night.

Well I'm sitting here writing this entry at my desk in my hut on the first night of my homestay. All I really want to do is go to bed, but I don't think going to bed at 6:30 is a good idea. I'm going to try and wait until at least 8:00. We've been told they'll probably wake us up around 5:30am, so that's something to look forward to.

Today has been quite a crazy day. We woke up early again in Tasana and had to have our bags out by 7:15. Packing up all of my crap again was not easy. We had breakfast and then left for the homestay around 9. We stopped at a gas station to buy some things and at the PC office during training to go to the bathroom before we left for the adoption ceremony. I don't think any of us were ready for that. We pulled up to a building with lots of people standing outside. When we got off the bus everyone was clapping and we went into the building. I didn't realize we were literally walking into the adoption ceremony and was a bit taken aback with all of the people and the noise. There was a band and a stage and people clapping and I could see why people sometimes cry! It was a lot to take in and I was very nervous knowing I was about to meet my host family. They made us all get up and dance a few times, which was weird and awkward, then people gave speeches, and then we finally got to meet our host family. My father, Abdoulay, mother M'Mah, and brother Ismael all came to meet me. They are very nice, but the mother only speaks Susu so I haven't had much contact with her. I feel kind of bad because I think Ismael has sort of been assigned to me, but there's obviously not a lot I can do about it. He definitely thinks I'm an idiot, though, because he sat me down to teach me "je," "tu," "il," "elle," etc tonight. Thanks for the 7th grade French lesson. My new name, by the way, is Fatim. Try to get used to responding to a new name after 23 years. Not easy.

So we had this weird little lunch after the ceremony that was very spicy and made me sweat more than I already was. Then there was lots of confusion, partially due to my crappy French, about what was happening next. We ended up getting into a PC van and being driven back here (where I don't know how to spell it) and then waited for our luggage.

I then got brought back to the compound. At this point I still had no idea what anyone's name was or who was related to who or how. There were a bazillion little kids running around and I didn't know if they were my father's kids or neighborhood kids or what. I still don't, really. They showed me to my hut, which is actually a lot more than I expected! It's not attached to the house, but it is basically in the middle of everything. It's really nice having my own space, though, and they seem to respect it a lot so far. Now that I have finally said I'm going to bed and have come in here, though, people keep coming by and saying my name or some kid just shouted "How are you?" and I just didn't respond. I'm not looking forward to being woken up tomorrow, but I am looking forward to seeing my group again and not having to kill an entire half a day by myself.

I've already conquered the bucket bath. I actually like it a lot and will not have a problem with it. The latrine, however, is another story. It's actually worse than I thought, and I didn't think that was possible. It's literally a square hole in the cement and when I lifted up the cover, cockroaches scattered everywhere. AHHHH it was so gross. I actually managed to go pee, although my aim was a little off [TMI? Sorry!]. Oops. I can handle peeing during the day. Shitting in there at night while I'm sick, though...that will be another story. I am not looking forward to it and don't know how I will handle that. Not too well, I'm assuming.

Needless to say, I am completely and totally out of my comfort zone right now. I think the culture shock I never had in Australia is going to be multiplied by about 10,000 here. I've never felt so out of place in my life. I guess the fact that I'm not crying myself to sleep is good, but definitely doesn't mean I won't at some point! I really, really wish I spoke better French and had learned more Susu [Peace Corps gave us a crash course over the course of 2 or 3 days]. I really hope to treat this language training like school and therefore maybe feel more comfortable. I feel like after all of this anticipation, a quiet American who barely speaks French must be quite a let down, but what do I know. One day at a time, and this is only the first day! Eleven more weeks of this seems like an eternity. One day at a time has become my new motto. If a 57 year old can do it, I should be able to as well [that was the age of the oldest volunteer in country at that time]. Who knows, maybe I'll even get over shitting in the latrine eventually. Actually, I'm pretty sure I will.

On another note, I am really beginning to love my group. Not that I haven't liked them up until this point or anything, but everyone is just so supportive and so much fun. Yesterday I had my first passing out spell in Guinea and everyone was so great about it. Everyone was very caring and very concerned about me, which was very sweet.

Ok, well of this is getting a little overwhelming for me, so I know the best thing for me to do is to go to bed. Hopefully things will be a little better tomorrow.

Peace Corps Post - January 15, 2004

January 15, 2004
5:46am
Hotel Tassana - Outside Conakry

Well holy crap, here I am, writing by flashlight under a mosquito net at 5:46am in AFRICA!! These past few days have been such a blur, but I can't believe that I'm actually here. It's sort of like that phenomenon I had in Australia [I studied abroad in Australia for my junior year of college] where I would look at a map and still not be able to believe that I was actually living there. I slept so much on our second plane ride that I think I screwed myself over and have therefore been up since about 3am. This gives me plenty of time to catch up on all I have to say, though, so here goes:

Our staging date got pushed back from January 3rd to the 11th, which was actually great because boy oh boy did I need the extra time. My friends were so good to me before I left, it was unreal. On Friday, December 26th, we all went to Copperfields by Fenway where I thought that we were just going to see Dave's band play like we did at Thanksgiving. Boy was I wrong! It turned out to be somewhat of a surprise party for me (well, a surprise party) and so many people showed up, it was great! I was very touched that everyone had gone through all of this effort for me. Then on Saturday the 27th was my parents' going away party for me. That was pretty intense as there were so many people there and I had to answer all of the same questions over and over again. It was really nice of everyone to come, though, and really showed me how much support I have from everyone. People were also so generous and gave me gifts, cards, and money. That was quite-unexpected.

Ok, Diana and I just realized we were writing by flashlight unnecessarily, because we have electricity. More on that later.

So then on December 30th, Martina came to visit. It was great to see her, I just wish it could have been longer and less hectic. Then there was New Years and moving out of the house in Somerville and the week o' ridiculous hectic packing and last minute affairs arranging began. I've never been so busy or felt so stressed out/overwhelmed in my life. So many little things to do like make a list of my passwords because I will inevitably forget them and bring all of the paperwork I might need for two years with me in addition to trying to figure out what the heck to pack to live comfortably for over two years in the second poorest country in the world. Insanity.

As I'm doing all of this, everyone and their mother of course wants to have a meal or hang out to fit in their saying goodbye time. From about Monday on I got fairly emotional about the whole thing. I was still very excited, but I think the reality of going away for such an extended period of time really hit me. It's not only the extended period of time thing, but also the knowledge that I'm going to have very infrequent contact with anyone. At least in Australia I talked to the fam once a week and could call anyone else I wanted whenever. That's obviously not happening here.

So after much ado and my friend giving me an amazing book they had all put together for me, on Friday, January 9th, I was off to Philly to visit Liza for two days before staging.  It was really good to see her as well and have some time to get my thoughts in order before starting this new adventure. She dropped me off at the hotel on Sunday, January 11th, and all of a sudden I got really nervous. I don't know why, but I definitely sort of freaked out [in fact I believe the first time she pulled into the parking lot to drop me off I got so nervous that we went and got something to eat before trying the drop off for the second time]. I found a group of girls sitting around in the hotel lobby who looked Peace Corps and ended up sitting with them and quickly making some friends. That was a relief.

We had some meetings that day about general PC stuff and then were on our own around seven. A group of us went out to eat at this great Cuban place and had a really nice time. Everyone is very friendly and open-minded (and in the same position), so it's been really fun getting to know each other. There are something like 42 or 43 of us, so it's a large group. On the 12th we had more conferences all day and then were free once again around six. Five of us (Ben, Jason, me, Ingrid, and Jen O) went out to eat and then ended up going to a few bars. It was really fun hanging out with a smaller group of people and just getting to know them better.

Bright and early on the 13th we went to get our vaccinations and our blood drawn. I was a bit apprehensive of all this, but I'm glad to say it went quite well. :-) [I used to have a massive fear of needles] We got yellow fever, polio, and measles, mumps and rubella. Good times.

Then around 12:30 we got on the buses bound for NYC. We got there no problem and our flight for Paris left around 7:15pm. Besides sitting next to the biggest weirdo (15 year old from NY) on the way over and some fairly bumpy parts, the flight over wasn't that bad. We got into Paris around 8am on the 14th and had about two hours to kill before the flight to Conakry.

The flight to Conakry was packed. I was so tired at that point and slept practically the entire flight (and it was about 6 hours!). Hence the me-screwing-myself-over part.

Landing, though, was so exciting. The thought of being on a continent that most people never even visit was pretty amazing. Walking off the plane felt like the Vietnam era they portray in movies. It was hot, there were uniformed men all around, and the structure itself didn't look like it had changed much since the 60s/70s. The Country Director and others met us inside and quickly whisked us through customs. We were welcomed by current volunteers cheering, clapping, and holding a sign for us. It was so sweet of them and so uplifting after such a long ordeal of traveling.

Getting our luggage was pure chaos and took over an hour, I would say. It was all just so exciting and new, though, that I didn't mind. Even when finding out my entire shampoo bottle and half my conditioner had spilled all over my pack, I still took it in stride. :-)

When we finally had it all, we loaded up in buses to head for the hotel. We somehow hit major traffic (as if I know the traffic patterns of Conakry) and it took us about another hour to get to the hotel. What a ride that was. It's almost indescribable. Not only were we like the circus coming through with thousands of people starring and waving at us, but we (I) were completely overwhelmed by everything. The complete organized chaos of it all was just breathtaking. I really was speechless [for the first and I think only time in my life]. It was like my impression of the DR x 1,000 [I spent 10 days in the Dominican Republic in 2001 volunteering at an orphanage. That was my only developing country experience before Guinea]. I can't see myself ever fitting in or feeling comfortable walking down the street, but I think it's cool that someday hopefully I will!

We got to our "hotel" and were greeted by the entire staff singing "Welcome to Guinea." There are three of us in each "house," which basically consists of three beds with mosquito netting and a bathroom without a door. There are actually flush toilets and showers, but they are quite primitive. I should be thankful, though, because I'm sure they're the nicest facilities I'll see for the next two years.

After putting our bags down we were immediately whisked away to a "tom tom" ceremony. There were four or five men playing drums and a lot of dancers. When I arrived they were in the middle of acting out a story. Then a group of women and a group of men took turns doing these fascinatingly coordinated/intense dances that are like nothing you will ever see in the states. The heart, soul, and energy that these people put into their dancing was amazing.

(Entry continued at 11:38pm - same day)
Ok, so I got really tired and finally went back to bed for an hour at 6:30.

So to continue, the dancing was great. Then we had dinner which was very American with some pasta and salad. Then the training director welcomed us and said, "You left home to come home." I thought that was very sweet.

Today has been a lot of information, but less overwhelming and more exciting. We got two more shots which was great and then just a lot more info. Tonight most of us want to a bar which was quite the experience. I guess it was what I expected, and yet not. I dunno. I'm tired.Ok, I'm going to take a shower because I'm disgusting and hopefully get a good night's sleep [little did we know we arrived at the coolest time of year].

Peace Corps Post - December 3, 2003

I am finally going to attempt to put some of my entries from my Peace Corps journals on my blog. I have nine journals from two years of service, so don't worry, I won't be putting all of them up (you're welcome). I served in Guinea from 2004 - 2006 and have yet to reread an entire journal, so I'm a little hesitant to commit to this experiment. I'm mostly scared of having to relive the entire two years and have my feelings of having been an inadequate volunteer confirmed and/or be bored to tears by my own overanalyzation of every aspect of my entire service. I will undoubtedly heavily edit the content of some entries in order to spare myself the humiliation, to protect the names of the innocent, and to hopefully cut it down to topics I think would be of interest to the general reader. I completely recognize that this is a mostly selfish endeavor, and that six years after it ended, I'm probably the only one who remains interested in my own stories about my service. But being that I still hope to write a book someday once I win the lottery, I thought it would be good to already have some of it typed up and to add in my memories and commentary before things get even fuzzier in my head than they already are. I also have a serious fear of these journals being lost to a fire, flood, or general carelessness, so it would make me feel a bit better knowing some of the content is at least saved elsewhere. And who knows, maybe some poor soon-to-depart volunteer will stumble across this and find it...useful? Terrifying? Pathetic? Confirmation that they don't want to do this?

With that being said, read on.....

December 3, 2003
11:40pm - Somerville, MA

So it's official, one month until I leave, assuming my departure date hasn't changed. I am anxiously awaiting my packet of information telling me where I'm going when I leave and all of that jazz. Part of me wants it to be Philly and part of me wants it to be DC. We'll see!

I'm somehow feeling a lot less nervous and a lot more excited at the one-month-to-go mark than I was back on November 3rd. I don't know why that was, although I speculate it may have something to do with the fact that I was much more aware of the one month mark approaching than I was of the two month mark. I also think hearing from Jason [a friend who joined the Peace Corps just before me and served in Tonga*] and hearing what an amazing time he is having has put my mind at ease. Well, "put my mind at ease" being a relative term. I do feel a lot less anxious recently, so that's good. I'm getting really excited for all of the things I have going on in December like the Simon and Garfunkel concert, Megan coming to visit, NY, Martina coming, my going away party, etc. I'm excited to stop working, although I forget how much I'm going to miss all of those guys. I'm also just excited to begin this new adventure. Meeting a whole group of new and exciting people is so...exciting, and knowing that I'm probably going to meet some life long friends is so weird...knowing this, but having yet to meet them. I'm excited for the training, I'm excited for the new culture, the new language, the new people....everything. Sure, I'm scared as hell too, but as I do more research and read more, those fears are slowly diminishing, or maybe it's that my focus is changing. Either way, I'm very excited.

*Note: Anything put in brackets like this [...] is my commentary/explanations in present day and not part of the original entry.